I walk around in this perfect envision of myself,
Always getting things right,
Perfecting things step by step till its completely finished.
Analyzing every word I say,
Think before I speak,
Is something I do.
I sit with friends,
While conservations go on around me,
Waiting for the right moment to say something,
Instead I just stay silent.
I stay silent,
Where my voice cannot be heard for a million miles,
Where no one knows what I am really feeling inside.
I stay silent,
Until I am back in my room,
Having tears streaming down my face,
While writing my feelings down in my diary.
I keep going on like this,
Day after day,
Knowing I am not telling the whole truth to my friends.
I keep living in this state,
Of putting others before myself,
Knowing that my true raw feelings will never come out.
I am not sure why I do this,
Why I keep everything trapped inside my ribs, my soul,
Just waiting to be let out.
Why don’t I just let it out?
Why can’t I decide,
To tell someone my true secrets,
Is it because I am afraid of abandonment?
Is it because I am afraid of being left on the side of the road?
I am afraid to say words that truly mean something,
Inside I write them down in my poetry.
That is what I do,
But I would like to be raw and vulnerable.
I would like to expose myself,
Keep telling that guy my feelings,
And my deepest darkest secrets,
Not runaway after I said I love you.
I was too scared,
So I ran away,
I didn’t let myself fall down into his arms,
He did care for me.
He understood who I am,
And got under my skin.
I want that again,
But the truth is,
I am scared.
I have to conquer that fear,
So I can start living life being vulnerable.